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By peaches, January 22, 2012 12:13 pm

What week its been! I don’t even know where to begin. This post will be short… but stay tuned for more.

I was frustrated last week (and didn’t write as a result) because two things were happening…

1. I was working out like a mad woman and not losing weight and..
2. My clothes were getting TIGHTER.

How is this possible? Well I’m happy to report that this week I actually LOST weight. And my BMI is FINALLY under 40. Turns out I was just really, really bloated last week.

Because I’m PREGNANT. Just. Found out on Monday… MLK Day.

Needless to say, I had NO idea, it was the biggest surprise of my entire life. The timing isn’t perfect.. did I tell you I saw a surgeon and had scheduled my gallbladder to come out on March 9th? And I’m going to Disney World on vacation in a few weeks. I have the Follistim (injectibles) sitting in my fridge, waiting till after my gallbladder surgery. It would have worked out perfectly too with work, because my busy season next year will run October – February… so if I got pregnant in say April I probably could have earned at least two-three weeks of comp time before the baby came to assist financially when I’m on leave. Well, LIFE happened, and as it goes you really can’t plan for these things can you?

I really need to stress… to someone and it may as well be you… that in my eyes this really is a miracle. I don’t ovulate. Ever. Even on the crazy high dose of meds remember? I haven’t even had a period since the first week of November. Its practically impossible that I got pregnant. I didn’t have any “fertile” symptoms, I wasn’t temping, and the entire month of December was absolutely crazy so its not like me and DH were doing the nasty every night. But somehow the stars lined up, my body magically did what it was supposed to… and really really late too.. and BAM a baby is baking in my belly. Just like that. I’m still shocked.

As of today I’m 6 weeks and 4 days. Its still very, very, very early. And there has already been a few complications and I’m on supplements to support the pregnancy. But so far so good. We saw a heartbeat already, which lowers my chances of miscarriage by a LOT. And I’ll have weekly checkups for a bit. I have a picture… I’ll post soon. Doesn’t look like much… like a blob. Like a seahorse shaped blob. But she’s really there. And I sure am feeling all the side effects.

Which is how I lost weight this week. I’m going to end up being one of those women who LOSES weight their first trimester bc they are constantly on the very of puking. Really I’ve been sick for weeks, but between my gallbladder, and you know the Metformin always upsets my stomach anyways.. I really didn’t know. I had no idea I was pregnant. Which is hilarious because I ALWAYS have baby on the brain.

So there you have it. Pretty big news. I’m finally calming down, from the shock and panic (I’ve been DRINKING, and EXERCISING, my heart rate went up to 182 just last week! OMG!) and I’m extremely happy. Still nervous because it IS still so early, but cross your fingers for continued smooth sailing. Oh and don’t tell anyone yet! Only our best friends, bosses (which makes it a lot easier for appts that are in the middle of the day once a week), and parents know. My plan is to keep it quiet for as long as I can possibly hold it in.

<3 peaches
weight today: 224.8 (who knew all I needed to lose those last few pounds was a BABY?)

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By peaches, January 8, 2012 12:37 pm

BAH HUMBUG.

Everything seems to be going poorly this week. Work, family, friends, everything. But, normally, as long as I can keep my weight down and eat well I’m able to handle life’s challenges. Well not this week. Fact is that I weigh myself every day (despite numerous people telling me I absolutely shouldn’t), its a compulsion, I can’t seem to stop. I’m obsessed with my weight. And like I’ve said because, no matter what the scale says I don’t REALLY believe it anyway, its self defeating. I’m addicted to my scale, and this week she wasn’t kind. A half pound up here, down .2 there… basically flat. Which most people would think is great.. BUT this week I WORKED MY ASS OFF and expected some serious, and I mean SERIOUS results. So (closing the loop here) in summary, life’s stresses plus my inability to lose weight this week has me extremely frustrated.

That frustration finally peaked on Friday, I spent a half and hour crying on the way home from work (DH was driving) and then I binged that night. It wasn’t pretty. I’m really, really, really stressed out. But exercise it supposed to relieve some of that stress, up your endorphins and what have you… So I can’t even imagine how miserable I would have been this week if I hadn’t been working out.

But enough moping already, there’s nothing I can do except keep on trucking. Tomorrow I’m beginning a challenge (see new page on the toolbar) and am looking forward to it. On top of the challenge, I’m committing to not weighing my self FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK. My next weigh in will be next Sunday. I’m actually going to have DH hide my scale so I couldn’t even weigh myself if I wanted to. That’s one less thing I need to worry about this week.

<3 peaches

weight today: 227.6 (#$%%$###$#$$!!!!)

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By peaches, January 1, 2012 5:48 pm

As I’ve gotten older I have noticed that time seems to move much more quickly. I don’t know if that is because there are less milestones to look forward to (like Spring Break, or graduation, or a dance, or whatever), or because most days are repetitious (get up, go to work, go home… get up, go to work, go home…), but overall time has moved so quickly for me.

To start off the first day of a new year I looked back to my New Year’s post from 2011. At the beginning of this year I weighed 15 lbs less than the year before. Guess what? Today I weigh 21 lbs less that this past January! That’s a pretty big deal. Realistically it shouldn’t take two years to lose 36 lbs… but those pounds are gone now and that’s great.

I was talking to my dad and he said he’s gained 50 lbs over the last year and a half. That could have been me. I tried to give him some advice, and tell him to just take it slow and not try to lose it too fast (which is what he did a few years back, he lost weight REALLY fast but then gained it all back). I used myself as an example – I said “I know I have a lot of weight to lose, but this year I’m 21 lbs lighter than I was last year. It took a long time but I’m keeping it off.” And he said “I didn’t want to say anything at Christmas but you looked like you gained a lot of weight”. Well thanks, dad. Actually, as you guys know, I did gain a little weight, somewhere around 3-5 lbs depending on where you count from. But there is no way he could see that weight gain, thanks for raining on my parade.

People have been doing that a lot lately, bringing me down. I’m pretty sick of all the negativity in my life – trust me it isn’t always brought onto myself.

But, moving this back on to the upbeat track that I had been feeling over the last few days… I’m pretty proud of myself so far. I’m doing a challenge, and have little by little conviniced some of my co-workers, friends, and family members to do it with me. The gist is getting 2,012 minute of exercise over the first two months of 2012, starting January 9th. Every week there is a “challenge”, for example drinking 8 glasses of water a day. Once I get it all sorted out I’ll post more about it. I’m pretty excited actually, because it seems like an attainable goal. PLUS it goes hand in hand with my goal to weigh 220 lbs by Feb. 28th – if I can keep up with the challenge I can definitely lose the weight and be healthy.

This past year was a tough one, but it also held a lot of great memories. High ups and equally high downs. Here’s to starting anew.

<3 peaches

weight today: 227.2

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By peaches, December 27, 2011 5:48 pm

I’m here, I’m happy, I’m motivated, I’m ready… super ready… to tackle the world (again). I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and anew. I don’t know if it was because Christmas was over (but I LOVE Christmas, so I dunno how that would have been a bad stressor), or if it was because I did nothing all day yesterday except watch action movies (literally… we watched Captain America, Thor, and X-Men: First Class all in one day), or maybe my pity party had finally ended… I really have no idea WHAT it was but this morning I woke up uncharacteristically optimistic and ready to go.

The last… week or so… a little more than a week has been really rough on me. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Who knows. But my food was WAY out of control and I did literally no exercise. I didn’t even take the stairs at work, it was awful. I drank and drank and drank and ate and ate and ate. But I did have a lot of fun! I wasn’t bumming around the whole time or anything, don’t get me wrong. But it wasn’t pretty either.

So today after work I signed up for the gym! DH actually signed up with me (miracle?), though I don’t think he’s actually ever going to go… we shall see.

I have my annual with my lady-doctor on February 28th. She is someone who has stood by me this whole time during my TTC journey, encouraging me to lose weight and being an ear when I needed it. When I first walked into her office (wow roughly 2 yrs ago…) I weighed 264 lbs. Today I weigh 231.6 lbs (yes I’ve gained a lot of weight since my last post… not the point here). That’s a pretty significant improvement. Granted, it has taken me so incredibly long to lose the weight- its absurd. But at least I’m losing it. My hope it that I can weight 220 when I see her at the end of February. So that’s another 11ish lbs, which is VERY, VERY doable if I just stick to it.

The gym has this deal where if I show up 10 times in the first month from signing up I get a free tshirt. How neat is that? So that’s on my list of goals for the month.

For this week I plan on taking the stairs every time I enter or leave my building. I’m on the third floor, so its not a ton of flights BUT its better than nothing.

One last random thought – I don’t really have any diet food in my fridge but I STILL managed to eat great today and perfectly in line with my diet goals. I’m counting calories! GO ME!

<3 peaches

Weight today: 231.6

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By peaches, December 21, 2011 4:25 pm

I have no idea what my weight is.. and honestly I don’t even want to know.

I spent last night in the emergency room for severe chest and back pain, nausea and vomiting. Whoopie!! I’m OK, really. Its likely my gallbladder – I’ll find out more after my ultrasound on Friday. YAY.

I feel like I have nothing to say except complain… what can I do to get myself out of this funk!!??!!??

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By peaches, December 18, 2011 11:14 am

Let’s start out with the fact that I’ve had “something” going on EVERY SINGLE DAY this week, starting last Saturday and ending today. about 80% of the involved alcohol of some sort or another and outside eating. I can make healthy choices out at restaurants and stuff to minimize the impacts… but when its all freaking week its really hard to prevent any weight gain.

Other than all that above, I binged for the first time in a long time. At least what feels like a long time. It caught me by surprise. This week I’ve been battling a hard slump, and little by little I’m losing. Like I said, today nothings going on so hopefully I can regroup, get my home in order, and take some me time to feel what I need to feel. Its weird because I’ve been so busy and so happy, but there’s this little bug that keeps trying to creep out and mess me up.

My baby-making is on hold right now. My RE wanted to wait a little longer to see if I got my period naturally, but of course I didn’t, and now its too late to induce a cycle and start the injectibles. It’ll have to wait until the end of February, after I get back from my vacation and after things have died down at work. I can’t take the time off I need for the “every-other-day ultrasounds” required until after February 8th, and I’m on vacation the 12th-18th. I know what your thinking, two months! Big deal! That’s nothing! But for me it feels like something, I’m just so tired of waiting. And now I’m getting depressed, its the IN-action that’s killing me. I can’t do anything but wait now that the adoption route is on hold too. I need to do SOMETHING to push forward.

I had been trying to keep weight loss at the forefront over the last few days but that’s hasn’t worked at all. I’ve been way too busy to exercise at all, the booze, and I’ve had practically no control over my dinners every night this week. BUT my food was pretty much perfect during the day, its just the night that’s killing me. So I’ve gained almost three pounds..

Looking back at my weight loss journey I’ve noticed a definite pattern. I can lose 5-10 lbs, and then I get stuck for a good 4-6 months.. and then I lose again. Maybe this is just the holding time again lol  I can’t gain anymore weight though! No trending upwards!

I want to try to commit to something this week – like “i will exercise at least three days” or something, but it feels really hopeless this morning. How about I commit to doing the best I can, every meal, every day.

<3 peaches

weight today: 230.2

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By peaches, December 10, 2011 8:28 am

Good morning friends!

Not much new or interesting to report here. Christmas is in full swing and I’ve been busy, busy, busy, busy. My diet is going very well, I’ve been logging my food daily on my phone! If I have time at some point this weekend I’ll see if I can set it up to post weekly reports here, because I’ve been logging for a good 2-3 weeks straight!

Exercise still eludes me. I did manage to walk one day during lunch and did some shopping which involved lots of walking… but no serious sweats or anything.  I’m not going to be too hard on myself about it though, it is what it is! At least my food is in check! Especially because the holidays are here, I’ve been extremely good.

My BMI is now 40.2, I’m SOO close to achieving my goal of being under 40. Take that doctors! I don’t need no stinking surgery!

I know, this is a quick and pretty empty post… but I gotta go to work (booooo!). Have a great day!

<3 peaches

weight today: 227.6

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By peaches, December 4, 2011 8:31 pm

Thanksgiving came and went, and my weight fluctuated up and down for a bit. But I’m in control, and my weight is relatively flat now. Actually, I’m in my workout gear, getting ready to dance for a bit. I got the new Dance Central and its pretty awesome. They even have preset song lists to workout to.

My program work has been shaky at best. I haven’t been making it to a lot of meetings, and haven’t written in awhile. Forget reading. Last week I swore to a plan of abstinence but of course I couldn’t stick to it – BECAUSE I”M NOT WORKING MY PROGRAM. Life doesn’t feel overwhelming right now though, I’m not sad or anxious or anything. I’m really happy. The last few weeks have been filled with a lot of busy-ness and visitors and events. And my house it pretty clean, all my Christmas shopping is DONE (well, minus one teenie tiny item which will take five minutes to get which I’ll purchase tomorrow) and I have two million things going on – between parties and decorating and friends and what have you. But I love being busy, and I love the holidays. So like I said I’m mentally awesome – life isn’t overwhelming at all so its harder to feel like I “need” the program. But I DO need the program, I just forget how badly I need it, and it doesn’t become a priority anymore. It needs to always be a priority.

I have DH’s holiday party on Friday, its a fancy-shmancy event. I don’t own a whole lot of dresses. Actually, I only own two party-type ones. One is for like… Vegas and the other is your generic black dress. But I wore that LAST year to the Christmas party so obviously I couldn’t wear it again! Of course DH doesn’t tell me about the party until Thursday night (about one week before the party) which is so super inconvinient when I need to find time to find a dress to wear. So I stole away to the mall this weekend and picked up a dress at Macy’s. It literally was the ONLY dress in an 18W that wasn’t floor length and I was pretty nervous because it just looked “OK” on the rack. It was one of two dresses I brought into the dressing room with me, the other was a size 20 that I didn’t really like either. So I try it on and BAM, its AWESOME. I feel like a million bucks in it, and (tada!) the 20 is way too big and looks terrible. PLUS the dress was on CLEARANCE, it only cost me $50.54. Isn’t that insane?

So I was all excited about my dress and put it on to show DH. He liked it! So I asked him to take a picture because I wanted to send it to my friend (who’s like my mom) to show her. DH takes the picture, and I look like CRAP. I mean terrible. He took another one, and another, and I took one myself and they all look terrible. Then I realize that maybe my fat goggles are on. I don’t know what else it would be. How is it that literally the person in the picture looks NOTHING like the one I see in the mirror? Its insane. I just don’t get it. Clearly I have a flawed sense of reality. I’m just so confused. How many pictures could just be “bad pictures”. I looked like a beached whale, and now I don’t want to go to the party at all!!

So I threw on my workout clothes and I’m going to try to get a little sweat going, maybe that will help calm me down a bit.

I got my meds in the mail this week, I have to keep em in the fridge. Last week the nurse showed me how to inject myself. Shit is freaking… freaky. I’m terrified of injecting myself. TERRIFIED. I’m sure after the first time I’ll be fine, but I’m already fretting over that first time. The nurse confirmed that this is it – if my body doesn’t respond to the medicine we have to try IVF (which is when they “harvest” my eggs, and “fertilize” them in a petri dish, and put em back in) which I am not willing to do. Its an extremely scary thought to me that this is the end of the road, for better or worse. We went to the adoption orientation and it went well. I was really excited actually. But then the woman told us that if I did get pregnant they would “close my case”, and I would have to wait a year after my child is born before refiling all my paperwork. So basically she said we can’t go any further with background checks or what have you until after you have gone as far as you can trying to concieve naturally. Though at this point… giving myself shots daily and having blookwork and ultrasounds every other day (literally. no exaggeration) feels very unnatural.

I still get all chocked up when I look at baby clothes. Not in a sad way, in an insanely hopeful, “what if this works” way.

Alright, its getting late and I need to shake my body. Oh. Nevermind. The fucking X-box is now broken and I can’t. I’m so frustrated I want to throw something. How it is that I’m that fat? HOW IS MY VISION SO SKEWED? I just don’t get it.

weight today:  229.4

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By peaches, November 17, 2011 9:51 am

Good morning!

Im so happy to say that Ive *almost* lost all the weight I gained. Im so close! Ive been losing very quickly this week, especially considering that Ive been far from perfect.

This week Ive been thinking a lot about how I want to incorporate exercise back into my regular routine. My foot still isnt fully healed, but I NEED to get moving again, my body feels slow. Last night after work I tried to go to a Zumba class in Hartford. That didnt go well. It was only one street away from the streets I normally go down to go home from work, but apparently its far enough to… Need pepper spray and a lot of confidence to feel comfortable! Lol! I was IN the ghetto. But traffic was bad and I thought well its at an elementary school, Im sure Ill be fine. But as I walked away from my car to go into the building I noticed how .. fancy my car looked and was rethinking my drive to succeed – it felt more like stupidity. I walked into the building and there was a sign saying Zumba had moved to the middle school. Which middle school?!?! I dont know. But it seemed like fate that I shouldnt be at that class! So I went home and played my Dance Central video game. It wasnt the workout I wanted, but it was better than nothing. And this morning my foot was killing me, maybe it was for the best!

I met with another pastor this week. It was really interesting, maybe even inspiring. Im hoping to get the courage to attend her church this Sunday, we shall see. Ironically the only meeting I got to (so far) this week was focused on finding God. Which is exactly what Im doing right now.

One question that came up in my conversation with the Pastor was what are you looking for in God? A form of that same question arose in my meeting. What Id like I can best describe as release. I wish I could step back and not worry or stress, bc Im so confident that there is some higher powers plan for me. I want peace. You know how people say everything happens for a reason and your cross is always what you carry. I want to actually believe that.

In baby making news, my HSG went perfectly. I have a beautiful cavity and my tubes are open. This is all good stuff. So now Im waiting for my period so we can start the injectibles, which Ill have to administer myself. Thats more than a little intimidating for me, giving myself a shot daily. Im not afraid of needles, but Ive never had to stick myself!

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is NEXT week? Normally Im excited for the holidays, Im very festive. But this yr.. Well I am not looking forward to this year at all. More on that later…

-peaches
Weight today: 229.4

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By peaches, November 9, 2011 10:30 am

Gosh, where to begin?!?!?! So much has happened!

We lost power after a freak snowstorm on Saturday afternoon, October 29th. That was a crazy night.. Just imagine being stranded in the woods in your car with giant trees blocking your way out in every direction, the snow is heavy and you can hear branches snapping all around you… It sucked. But we were rescued by a plow truck!

We ended up losing power for exactly 9 days and four hours. These were likely the hardest days of my life. We have to drive out 20 minutes just to make phone calls bc the cell service went out, and find places to eat and shower. The temperature in the house dropped to 40 degrees, it was hell, even with a fireplace. We spent some nights at peoples houses, but overall it was just exhausting. And we eat out probably 90% or more of our meals. I gained EXACTLY five pounds.

On top of all the chaos, our baby making efforts were in full swing. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday, November 2nd which showed my body was responding to the increased meds. You need a follicle to release an egg, and then that egg meets Mr. Sperm. They saw a follicle that was 15mm. A follicle releases the egg between 18-24mm, and the follicle grows 1-2 mm per day. So I was testing my urine every day to find out when I was ovulating, but got no positive. So this past Monday the doctor had me come in for another ultrasound. He had a hard time finding my follicle, and she had shrunk to 11mm. He said that means my body didnt respond to the medication, and now Im waiting for my period do they can run another test, and then move on to injections.

Even on top of all that other stuff… We have begun exploring our adoption options (that rhymes!). Im super excited, and regardless of what happen with or without a pregnancy in the coming months we have decided that we will adopt. We want a large family, and they idea of adopting siblings really appeals to me. We have to go to an orientation class at the end of this month where we will likely meet our social worker. It can take 6 months to a year for the home study, where they check your home and references, and that you are financially able to care for a child. Then after that up to two years to actually get paired with a child, so we are completely comfortable with starting the process NOW. We would likely be adopting a toddler, not a baby, because I feel strongly about adopting domestically (versus internationally) and through public, versus private, organizations. I just dont believe you should buy a child.

Ok. Back to work for me. We still have no Internet at home, so my posts may be slim pickings for awhile!

3 peaches
Weight today: 233.4